October 11 is National Coming Out Day, but why do we need it?
Let me start by saying I’m not proud to be gay, nor am I ashamed of it. Being a gay man is natural to me. I am no more – or less – proud of being gay than I am of being right-handed or going gray-haired. All of them are simple biological aspects of who I am. “Ok, you say, I get it, but do you have to go on about it? Why talk about it?”
For starters, I celebrate myself. Despite spending my childhood, adolescence and much of my adult life being told who I am as a gay man was bad, wrong, immoral, unchristian, diseased, perverted and above all shameful, I was finally able to face that instilled fear. I threw off untruths I was fed my whole life. On National Coming Out Day I am glad I’m honest about myself, that I knew who I was. It wasn’t easy and I nearly died. I finally realized, despite being told otherwise, that my moral character is NOT defined by my sexual orientation. Heterosexuals fall all along the moral spectrum irrespective of their romantic attractions. So do lesbian, gay, bisexual transgender, and gender queer (LGBTQ) people. Nothing inherent in anyone’s sexual orientation indicates their morality or character.
When I first came out in 1993 I did it for me, because I was suffocating under other people’s expectations that I conform to their heteronormative expectations. I spent the first 40 years of my life “in the closet” doing everything I could to meet my own and other people’s expectations. This ignores the fact that nature doesn’t give any of us much choice. Oh, I tried to choose otherwise. I spent thousands of dollars in therapy both secular and spiritual, spent thousands of hours seeking spiritual awakenings and in prayer– sometimes with tears of frustration and despair. I tried the ex-gay thing which was useless. And I tell you neither change nor choice is an option, so no one belongs in that closet. Worse, hiding one’s sexual identity is a dark, depressing, frustrating and self-defeating way to live. You are living against reality itself, as if you are bird trying to live like a fish. I’m proud that the stink-eye directed to me by the ignorant, the homophobic slurs shouted at me by the intolerant, nor even the one incident of (mild) physical assault I experienced failed to chase me into the shadows or silence my voice. I’m proud to stand with my brave LGBTQ sisters and brothers, many of whom have suffered far more than I, to say “This is us.”
The closet is chosen based on mistaken beliefs; that what you are is shameful, or from a fear that people you care for will reject you if you speak your truth. To be fair, some have been and will be punished. I can tell you multiple, factual stories of people who literally had guns held to their heads by family members for speaking a simple truth. A story of a trans teen whose father literally beat the shit out of her because she appeared in women’s clothes in her own home. There are untold stories of teens thrown onto the streets for revealing who they are. In fact, such stories are so well-known they would be trite to report if their horror didn’t live on. Lives were lost because everyone was taught being LGBTQ was something no one should ever be. To overcome that is a reason to speak out.
Today I recognize and celebrate LGBTQ Pride and National Coming Out Day not only for myself; but also for two other groups of people. The first are those still in their closets. Despite all the progress we have made, somewhere today there is a child contemplating killing himself because he lives in terror being discovered as gay, or for realizing that her girl-crush is more, or that their gender doesn’t match their anatomy. There are also those who aren’t LGBTQ at all, but who will kill themselves because others believe they are and shame them for it. Such judgments are not simply immoral; they are sickening, and they make me angry. I celebrate visibly, proudly, because there are people out there who need hope there is a satisfying, productive life filled with loving relationships, meaningful experiences, and happiness outside of that closet door. Our visibility as people living openly, free of shame, with love and joy is a literal lifeline.
And I celebrate to tell some other people if they dislike with who I am, that is their problem, not mine, nor will I tolerate efforts to make it my problem via policy, law, or moral sanction. Once, while campaigning for legal recognition of same-sex marriage, a woman said to me “You’re degrading my marriage to my husband.” I pointed out that such “degradation” existed only in her mind. Nothing in the real world changed. Nothing of what I do in my marriage—or in my bedroom—affects hers. Over and over people build these justifications for discrimination based upon nothing but their own perceptions and want me and my community to fix it for them. No.
We are worthy, we are equal to you, you have nothing to fear from us. Unless you attempt to make us second class citizens in our own country. Then you and me – we’re going to have a quarrel. Just this past week two sitting Supreme Court Justices announced they would like to revisit and overturn the Obergefell decision that legalized same-sex marriage for the nation. And so we also celebrate these days to rally the troops. We will not go back into those closets and we will oppose you at every step if you try to force us there. That is how Pride began in the Stonewall uprising, with an assertion of equality. That is what it still means and I’m proud to own it.
Come out, come out wherever you are.
Tikkun Olam
AB
I am a staunch supporter of not only you, but all the people in this world that are sweet, loving, intelligent, integrity filled people. God made you just the way you are and I love you unconditionally.
that is my heart-filled emotions and I will stick by that
Thank you, Judy, and I know the heartache homophobia can bring. Blessings to you and all you love.
I enjoy reading your essays. This one was wonderful.
Thanks, Terry!
What a lovely piece, Allan. It reminds me of a talk I heard Dr. Cynthia Pury of Clemson give in January of this year. She noted we often think of courage as being the purview of soldiers, firefighters, and police officers. Yet, this is only one kind of courage. Indeed, psychological and moral courage are just as important and are clearly evident in everyone who steps out of the closet and says, “This is me.” Sadly physical courage is at times required, too. All share three elements in her mind: taking a voluntary action, despite person risk, for a worthwhile or noble cause. Thank you for demonstrating that courage in your column, in how you’ve lived your life, and in your alliance with those who might be suffering still. As a father of a transgender child, I salute all who have paved the way for him to live his life consistent with who he is. Thank you.
David, thank you so much for this thoughtful response. Yes, it is important to me to make common cause with those who for any reason are still struggling to be understood by our mainstream culture. I’m so much a part of that and yet so not, in so many ways, it feels like an opportunity to be a bridge. Best wishes to you and all your family.