Truth Will Set You Free, But…

I learned a lot working with people in recovery from various substance addictions. One friend was leading a Court-ordered group session with people convicted of drunken driving.  No one was happy to be there. After several weeks of meetings, my friend asked them to each write a personal timeline from when they began drinking and what happened in their life along the way up to the present day. As they worked, a man in the group who had been angry about being there looked up in shocked surprise and blurted out, “Oh my god, it’s the alcohol.” He told how he had given up drinking about 5 years earlier and all his legal problems resolved and his family relationships improved. Three years after that he began drinking again and now family and legal problems were back. He said, “I thought I had a criminal personality, but it’s the alcohol. I’ve got to quit drinking!” He had resented being sentenced to the group, but now he realized he wasn’t a bad person; he was someone drinking too much. He could change that. Others had told him before, of course, about this drinking ut he had dismissed it and them. Now, he learned what you will hear said only somewhat tongue-in-cheek in the rooms of recovery:

“The truth will set you free… but first, it will really piss you off.”

For a great many people heavy drinking brings good things into their lives or they wouldn’t do it. For many people, heavy drinking or drug using is their hobby; what they do for fun and relaxation, either alone or with friends. It doesn’t just go with their fun; it is the fun. For others, it is a release from anxiety, stress, and painful memories or feelings. For some, it’s both. Then it starts to cause trouble – emotional, relational, legal and financial problems start to happen. To stop the trouble, the person must realize this valued substance they think of as a friend—or even a lover—is no longer helping them, Indeed, it is now running and ruining their lives.

Admitting this is painful. Imagine being told our best friend—someone we’ve known and trusted for years—is actively destroying our lives, costing us friends, hurting our family members, destroying our reputations, and leading us into betraying even our own values. No one wants to believe that about a friend. If cautioned about it, we become defensive of our friend and angry at his “accuser”. To those around us the issue is very clear, but from the inside of that damaging relationship, we can’t see it or we can’t see a way out. It doesn’t matter if it’s true, we don’t want to believe it and we won’t.

If we’re lucky, one day something happens as it did for the gentleman above. While we’ve resisted the uncomfortable truth, when we let it in it reveals this “friendship” is actively destroying us, our health,  our well-being, and damaging the lives of others, too. Disentangling from this “friend” can be complicated and emotionally painful. But the truth that first pisses us off  will set us free when we accept it. Then we can rebuild and restore ourselves.

And here, my Trump-supporting friend is where I must raise your relationship with Donald Trump. Does that piss you off? Pay attention to that; it’s a sign. I don’t speak from anger or judgment. People believe and do the things they do for reasons that seem good to them at the time, often from pain or fear. I don’t think you’re a bad, stupid or racist person.  I’ve worked with you and valued your friendship. You know he’s not a good person. You know, in fact, he is a human moral wasteland. Unless you are a billionaire, and apart from your 401K, I can’t think what he does for you, but apparently, it’s something so valuable you overlook his appalling behaviors and their disastrous outcomes. Maybe he makes you feel better or takes away your anxiety. Maybe he makes you feel part of a “tribe.” It is painful to watch your mental gymnastic twists in thinking to continue your support. It is distressing to see you going back to Fox News, or Breitbart, or InfoWars which are Trump’s pushers and your enablers. I and others want you to know we’re concerned for you, but also for where you’re taking us as a nation. Please, look around at our country after three and half years. Millions are out of work, people are being evicted from their homes, hundreds of thousands of  your fellow citizens are dead, and all due to Trump’s incompetence and surreal inability to deal with actual facts. It is due to his monstrous ego that makes him unable to admit he is wrong, and due to his narcissism he cannot feel the pain or suffering of others. We wish you could. Our democratic institutions are in tatters because nothing and no one matters to him but him. We have armed thugs in the streets killing people and it doesn’t matter which side you believe is right, Trump pours fuel on those flames and bellows them up into a fury of firearms and bloodshed.

I worry for you, because whatever he’s doing for you, it blinds you to what he’s doing to you and to us.

What makes me saddest, is knowing from my background, none of these words will have any effect. Like the drug addict whose family members beg them to see what is happening, you will dismiss it all as “you don’t understand.” In fact, we do. Only you can persuade you. All I can say is, he’s not taking you anywhere you or we want to be. One day, if you’re lucky, you will look up and say, “Oh my god, it’s Trump. He’s the one doing this.” And it will be a relief to us all. Because that will begin to set you, and us, free.